How to Self Induce: Threaten Homemade C-Section September 25, 2008

Sweet Cass,

It was seven months ago today that I was due to have you.  It was seven months ago today that I WAS NOT DILATED AT ALL, YOU HAD NOT DROPPED AT ALL, AND I WAS MAKING DEATH THREATS TO DOCTORS IF THEY DID NOT HAVE YOU REMOVED IMMEDIATELY!  It was such a sweet and plesant time in my life.

 

It’s hard to believe now that I had to wait 10 days before anyone would actually plead my case and take you from me.  I was so ready to meet you.  More importantly, I wanted to be able to roll over in bed without your father having to hoist me over like a hump back whale that’d been caught in the sand a little to close to shore.  Even more importantly, I wanted to be able to laugh or cough or sneeze or just breathe without peeing on myself.  Or fart.  It really was the only time my gas has rivaled your father’s.  And listen to me very closely – I don’t ever EVER want that to happen again!  It really was such a precious time. 

 

Even though I gained almost 90 pounds I didn’t get stretch marks until I was 36 weeks along.  You were so gentle and sweet to me up until that point.  And then, well, I guess you wanted out just as much as I wanted you out because you put stretch marks on me the likes of which I’ve never seen.  They puffed up like blisters and eventually split open and bled though my shirts.  Everyone says that pregnant women glow, and truly, I was a sigh to behold.  Easy on the eyes, I was.

Once I walked into Barnes and Noble and the old lady who cleans the shelves ran up to the front and said I KNEW IT HAD TO BE YOU!  I COULD SEE YOUR SILHOUETTE FROM THE BACK OF THE STORE AND I THOUGHT THAT MUST BE KRISTEN.  She then asked me asked me how I got there because she knew it would be impossible for me to drive myself at that point, seeing as she didn’t think I could fit behind the wheel of my car.  And that Cass, made me mad.  You’re Daddy had to shut her up before your Mommy was arrested for homicide.  It only made me mad because it was true.  My belly was much larger than my arm span.  Truth be told, you were the one driving in those last months.

Now you are crawling around the living room, spitting at inanimate objects, panting in excitement over the lint you find on the floor.  I’m looking at you remembering these things, and you know what, you were so totally and completely worth every bit of it. 

Dad and I sometimes lay in bed at night and check out my stretch marks to see if they’ve faded at all.  It looks like some redneck got in his monster truck and peeled out on my belly.  So, yeah, they’ve faded quite a bit.

However badly we both must have wanted change at that point we just couldn’t seem to make it happen.  Maybe you did it to spite me, but I don’t think so.  I think we just couldn’t get it together.  Couldn’t make things work.  Cass, I want you to know that anywhere I’ve gotten in life it’s because I’ve failed my way there.  The only reason I have hope is because of Jesus.  He loves me so much.  I know there are people who are going to tell you that I don’t, and that if you act like me then you don’t either, but that’s just not true.  I want so badly for you to know him and how amazingly lovely his love is.  I hope I can show you that while we go through life together. 

That’s what we’re doing, baby.  We’re going through life together.  I’ve thought many times that I don’t know why, and so much more seriously I DON’T THINK IT’S FAIR, that you are mine.  Shouldn’t you belong to someone more capable?  Someone better than me?  I want to do right by you, but I know myself and I know I won’t.  I’m going to mess up with you.  I’m going to fail you at some point.  Just thinking about it makes my throat swell and I find it hard to breathe. 

 

Looking back at pregnancy, remember how utterly miserable I was, it gives me some remnants of something that resembles excitement filled endurance.  We made it through that.  It took us 10 days longer than expected, a 24 hour labor, and an emergency surgery, but we made it.  Me and you, Kid.  That gives me hope.  We will make it again. 

Whatever comes our way, and I’m sure there will be plenty, we’ll make it.  Even if it takes longer than expected.  Even if there is pain involved.  Even if things don’t go as planned.  Even if you make me pee on myself.  Even if you give me gas.  We’ll make it.  Because you’re so totally and completely worth it.

I love you Pumpkin Face.

Love, Mama

 

Happy Mama’s Day! May 14, 2008

Sweet Cass,

Your Mama named you Zelda long before she saw you were a girl on the ultrasound.  Most people thought you were a boy.  Your Gamma and your Aunt Michelle knew you were a girl, and so did your Mama.  Your Daddy always said he thought you were a boy, but felt like you were a girl.  I tried to make him pick one or the other so many times…he never did.  He wanted you, a girl, though.  He had fantasies of your sweet little baby self in a ruffled swimsuit on the beach.  He loved you from his first thought of you. 

But I knew who you were.  I don’t know how, but I did.  I just knew.  I read somewhere that 70% of Mommys know their baby’s gender from in the womb.  I did, so it must be true.  And I named you Zelda.  My little Princess.  A Prophet Princess, full of rolaty, wonder, wisdom, and magic.  My babe.  A hero. 

Did you know that’s true?  Did you know that God has planned for you since before you were born?  Since before He even created the world?  Did you know that He picked the time and place that you would be born and live your life?  He created you to do something special.  Mommy can’t wait to see what you turn out to be.  I can’t wait to see what God has made you to do.  You are completely unique.  Completely you.  Did you know that God spoke the entire world into being, but he crafted you with His own hands – just like play-dough?  Did you know that He stayed with you while you were in your Mommy’s tummy, and He helped you grow, and then when you were born, He breathed your first breath of air right into your lungs?  Did you know?  You can’t see Him, but He is there.  He is watching and waiting for you to recognize Him.  To talk to Him, and to listen.  Did you know that He promised that if you would just love Him, He would work everything in your life out for good?  That means even the bad and the sad times can turn out to be something good!  It might be hard for you to understand, but think of it like this.  When you learn to ride your bike and you fall down, you learn from the fall, and eventually, you learn not to fall at all.  God does that with life!  He loves you so much, and so do I!

I don’t know much of this motherhood stuff figured out yet, and I probably won’t ever get it down just right – Mommy tends to learn as she goes.  So I don’t have any advice yet, but I want to tell you a few ways you’ve changed my life.

Because of you:

• I watch my temper.  I can finally roll with the punches.  I am very grateful for this, because I think the person I was before you wouldn’t have been much of a mother!
• I wake up early and I make the bed.
• I don’t smoke or do drugs.  I would much rather rock my babe to sleep at night than party on with Wayne and Garth.
• I have broadened my musical taste.  I try to find songs that you will like, and that you could sing along to in a few years.
• I am closer to my family, and Daddy is closer to his family, too.
• I love your Daddy more.  I see him in your face, and it is beautiful.
• My heart beats a little faster when you laugh, and a little slower when you cry.
• I cry more.
• I laugh more.
• I talk baby talk to everyone! 
• I appreciate my own Mama more.  I understand her now and I love the Mother that she is.  I am so glad she’s my Mommy and I know that I will be a better Mama because of her.
• I think about myself less.  Most of my daydreams are about you now.
• I love the lady that your Aunt Amy is.  I can’t wait for you to be old enough to enjoy her.  She is a hoot.  A hoot with a big heart.  Friendship is hard work sometimes, but it is one of the biggest joys in life! 
• I pray for your friends.
• I know that somewhere there is a little boy there is going to break your heart, and I want to give him a SPANKING!!!
• I know there may be another boy who your Daddy will give you to at the end of an aisle one day, and that your Daddy will be so bittersweetly brokenhearted that I will have to comfort him to no end.  I pray for that boy.  That He will love Jesus more than anything else.  That he will know how to be a BLAST.  I pray he plays hard, and works hard, and loves hard, and that he has parents who love him just as much as Daddy and I love you.
• I realize that this love for you is a BIG LOVE.  A love that is felt and acted out and overdone at times.  But this BIG LOVE is necessary.  It will cover many wrongs, make many thing tolerable, and keep us bound together long after commitment caves. 

So here’s to BIG LOVING you, Cass.  You are my favorite.  A true princess.  I hope I raise you well.

Love, Mommy