Over and over again my spiritual life has been saved by Ecclesiastes. I sometimes feel like I’ve lived as many different people, and I’m trying to cram them all together inside my skin and make them all behave. The thing is, THEY TOTALLY HATE EACH OTHER! I need to know there is a time for everything because at any particular moment four of my seventeen personalities may be acting completely on their own agenda, not agreeing on anything. So it also helps to know it’s all for nothing…at least ALL my multiples are acting in vain and there’s not just that one guy in there ruining it for the rest of them.
I think in circles, seldom reaching concrete conclusions or well formed opinions. I ruffle feathers, even my own. I struggle to maintain consistency just in my personality, let alone my behavior. Maybe it all depends on if I’ve had my 5th cup of coffee on any particular day, but I could possibly give a different answer to the same question 365 days of the year.
The way I think is the same way a 5th grader with ADHD does his school wor….sharpens his penc…talks to his neighb…sharpens his pen…checks out his shoes…huh? Did you say something? What homewor…want to ride bikes after class?
At some point in my life I lost my passion for God. We can chalk that up to so many things, but I can’t really pinpoint why it happened, or when it happened, or how to get it back. Because, make no mistake, I want it back. Why? Because it felt great.
My only thought is that maybe that feeling I had, that passion, that fiery heat to know the Creator of the World was just pride. The swelling of my own self-love. My own ego. Telling me I was right. And they were wrong. And God was on my side.
I’m relying on God to teach me, and a lot of the time I feel like I’m alone in this. I’m struggling with church. I’m struggling with Christians. I’m struggling with ME.
These verses have gotten me through the past few months. I’m sure they are setting up a permanent residence somewhere in my soul.
I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you. Psalm 32:8
My heart is not proud, O Lord, my eyes are not haughty; I do not concern myself with great matters or things too wonderful for me. Psalm 131:1