To quote Sam from Quantum Leap:
This has been a crazy week. I have not posted much simply because of the chaotic schedules and chores that never seem to be finished and hurts that never seem to heal.
Scott and I have been learning how to be married people who love each other. The reason I’m so open about that is because I think it’s a normal process for married people. Plus, I don’t want anyone to think that we are hating on each other or anything like that. It’s just really frustrating when he forgets to plug in his phone before he goes to bed and it starts beeping in the middle of the night and I have to wake him up to get it and when he gets up he makes so much noise that it wakes up Cass and then he brings her to me and then climbs back in bed and GOES TO SLEEP! WHILE I AM HOLDING A SCREAMING CHILD! THAT I DID NOT WAKE UP! We both woke up the next morning with bruises because a wrestling match occurred after that the likes of which our flirt by means of wrestling in our dating days had never seen. Oh. My. Arg.
There are some mistakes I’ve already made on this blog. It’s like a journal that all of you get to read, and I knew that going in. What I didn’t count on was people holding things I’ve said against me. I should have. It was naive of me not to. I would be mortified if you read something I wrote in my early 20s and in 5 years from now I’ve probably be mortified you are reading this. But it still remains the most honest version of who I am today. I wish I would have said some things differently, more compassionately, but I didn’t. I’ve thought about erasing some posts, but I decided against it.
I was talking with my mom the other day and she reminded me that we don’t know how much time we have left here. It’s coming to an end, whether we want it to or not, and we’ve got to deal with that, whether we want to or not. “What kind of legacy are you leaving for those left behind?” is what she asked.
Yes, it’s true, I invite my family and the rest of the world to view my blog, I made it mostly for Cassidy. If I die in the next two minutes the only thing I leave her with is this blog. I don’t want her to have some kind of notion that I had life under my belt and that I never messed up, that I never rebelled, that I never regretted anything, or that I never smarted off when I should have kept my mouth shut. I have been known as a queen of controversy, and it’s not something that I like about myself. I want to be someone who pulls people together and not someone who promotes discord. I’m learning.
In the mean time, I will remain candid. I am sorrowful over some things I’ve done but I do not think that pretending like it hasn’t happened is the best way to deal with the situation. I love my daughter. I want her to know that her mommy went through some of the same troubles she is bound to go through, and hopefully some she will only have knowledge of though her mother’s “DON’T GO THERE” pleas.
I continually find that God is more and more forgiving and capable and exciting with each new hardship.
Dear Life, BRING IT ON!