I’m on my second cup of coffee and my third round of postnatal what the fucks?. I mean, this kid just won’t sleep. I was awake for several hours HOURS last night. Oh God please help me. It’s like Night Time Cass has every intention of sticking it to me the old fashion way and because she can’t walk or talk, she just stays awake for inhumane amounts of time and screams until she vomits. Like it’s not bad enough that I have to smell her poop all day. She’s just like her father.
This is my friend Chad. He doesn’t like you.
I have a few friends who have literally changed my life, SO FOR THE BETTER, and he is one of them. One night he saw me hyperventilate so bad that this mofo just breathed for me. It was one of the most humiliated things I’ve ever experienced in front of another person and for some reason when it was all over I still had my dignity.
How did he manage that? Well, I’ll tell you. He’s magical. That’s how! He’s made of cheese and garlic and comfy comfy pillows and also, probably a little bit of beer. And if life were different I’d like to imagine that we’d be drinking the blackness of coffee and smoking love out of cigarettes and conversing of something too smart for me. Later he’d asked me if he could drink whiskey at work, and I’d say no, but in my heart of hearts that means WOULD YOU PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE, SPIKE MY COFFEE?
There was a night when he decided to teach me a lesson. He took me outside and made me look at the stars. “How significant are you?” In that moment, it was clear. How significant am I? NOT VERY. Not when you see the vastness of the created world and space with the addition of the bigger-than-life balls of fire in another galaxy burning to degrees that would emulsify you in a nanosecond when to your naked eye it seems that the night is just borrowing twinkles and sparkles from your best friend’s wedding ring and sprinkling them across the dark black sky. And there you are. Tiny. Insignificant. At the mercy of something greater. See? Clarity achieved! Or it could have just been the handful of mushrooms I had eaten a few hours earlier.