I Wonder If She’d Get My Tab December 11, 2008

When I was pregnant Scott and I spent a lot of time at Cracker Barrel.  Granted, not nearly as much time as we spent at IHOP, but still.  The more obvious it was that I was pregnant, the more time we spent there.  And then at some point it was no longer obvious that I was pregnant, but more obvious that I had stuffed a 5 year old up my shirt in some sort of sadistic punishment.  I was fully expecting Cass to show up with a bag full of school supplies and a full set of teeth.    Point being, if I couldn’t have a baby immediately I was going to make danged sure I had me a waffle  or eight.  

Incase you’ve missed the insane pictures of me being really really pregnant… 

This is me in early January.  (I can’t believe that was almost a year ago!)  Note, Cass measured two weeks ahead of my due date consistently from the very first sonogram at 16 weeks.  So at this point the doctors were telling me to be prepared that she might be older than expected and to expect and “early” delivery.

This is us later that night on a date.  Oh, I had such high hopes of end-of-pregnancy happiness.  Kristen, you fool!  If you are one of the many people who end up on this sight looking for information about how to get your doctor to induce you, I’d like to welcome you here.  HELLO.  WELCOME.  And there’s no hope for you.  

This is me on my due date, Feb 25th.  Still not dialated at all.  She hadn’t dropped.  I wasn’t efaced.  Her estimated weight was 10 pounds.  My estimated weight was somewhere between hippo and sperm whale.  And for the record, those aren’t my boobs they’re Cassidy’s feet.      

And that was the last picture of pregnant Kristen’s belly.  Although I would be pregnant for almost 2 weeks longer.  Apparetnly people don’t enjoy taking photos of homocidal idiots.  I don’t want to talk about it. 

Back to Cracker Barrel, I also spent a lot of time in the bathroom.  But never, never did I ever find $97,000 dollars in neatly stacked bills hanging in a travel bag over the stall.  I mean, how many waffles was that woman planning on eating?

Great Matters October 19, 2008

Over and over again my spiritual life has been saved by Ecclesiastes.  I sometimes feel like I’ve lived as many different people, and I’m trying to cram them all together inside my skin and make them all behave.  The thing is, THEY TOTALLY HATE EACH OTHER!  I need to know there is a time for everything because at any particular moment four of my seventeen personalities may be acting completely on their own agenda, not agreeing on anything.  So it also helps to know it’s all for nothing…at least ALL my multiples are acting in vain and there’s not just that one guy in there ruining it for the rest of them. 

I think in circles, seldom reaching concrete conclusions or well formed opinions.  I ruffle feathers, even my own.  I struggle to maintain consistency just in my personality, let alone my behavior.  Maybe it all depends on if I’ve had my 5th cup of coffee on any particular day, but I could possibly give a different answer to the same question 365 days of the year. 

The way I think is the same way a 5th grader with ADHD does his school wor….sharpens his penc…talks to his neighb…sharpens his pen…checks out his shoes…huh?  Did you say something?  What homewor…want to ride bikes after class?

At some point in my life I lost my passion for God.  We can chalk that up to so many things, but I can’t really pinpoint why it happened, or when it happened, or how to get it back.  Because, make no mistake, I want it back.  Why?  Because it felt great. 

My only thought is that maybe that feeling I had, that passion, that fiery heat to know the Creator of the World was just pride.  The swelling of my own self-love.  My own ego.  Telling me I was right.  And they were wrong.  And God was on my side. 

How arrogant.

I’m relying on God to teach me, and a lot of the time I feel like I’m alone in this.  I’m struggling with church.  I’m struggling with Christians.  I’m struggling with ME.

These verses have gotten me through the past few months.  I’m sure they are setting up a permanent residence somewhere in my soul. 

I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you.  Psalm 32:8

My heart is not proud, O Lord, my eyes are not haughty; I do not concern myself with great matters or things too wonderful for me.  Psalm 131:1

What I Wish I Would Have Done October 17, 2008

To quote Sam from Quantum Leap:

OH BOY!

This has been a crazy week.  I have not posted much simply because of the chaotic schedules and chores that never seem to be finished and hurts that never seem to heal. 

Scott and I have been learning how to be married people who love each other.  The reason I’m so open about that is because I think it’s a normal process for married people.  Plus, I don’t want anyone to think that we are hating on each other or anything like that.  It’s just really frustrating when he forgets to plug in his phone before he goes to bed and it starts beeping in the middle of the night and I have to wake him up to get it and when he gets up he makes so much noise that it wakes up Cass and then he brings her to me and then climbs back in bed and GOES TO SLEEP!  WHILE I AM HOLDING A SCREAMING CHILD!  THAT I DID NOT WAKE UP!  We both woke up the next morning with bruises because a wrestling match occurred after that the likes of which our flirt by means of wrestling in our dating days had never seen.  Oh. My. Arg.

There are some mistakes I’ve already made on this blog.  It’s like a journal that all of you get to read, and I knew that going in.  What I didn’t count on was people holding things I’ve said against me.  I should have.  It was naive of me not to.  I would be mortified if you read something I wrote in my early 20s and in 5 years from now I’ve probably be mortified you are reading this.  But it still remains the most honest version of who I am today.  I wish I would have said some things differently, more compassionately, but I didn’t.  I’ve thought about erasing some posts, but I decided against it. 

Why? 

I was talking with my mom the other day and she reminded me that we don’t know how much time we have left here.  It’s coming to an end, whether we want it to or not, and we’ve got to deal with that, whether we want to or not.  “What kind of legacy are you leaving for those left behind?” is what she asked. 

Yes, it’s true, I invite my family and the rest of the world to view my blog, I made it mostly for Cassidy.  If I die in the next two minutes the only thing I leave her with is this blog.  I don’t want her to have some kind of notion that I had life under my belt and that I never messed up, that I never rebelled, that I never regretted anything, or that I never smarted off when I should have kept my mouth shut.  I have been known as a queen of controversy, and it’s not something that I like about myself.  I want to be someone who pulls people together and not someone who promotes discord.  I’m learning. 

In the mean time, I will remain candid.  I am sorrowful over some things I’ve done but I do not think that pretending like it hasn’t happened is the best way to deal with the situation.  I love my daughter.  I want her to know that her mommy went through some of the same troubles she is bound to go through, and hopefully some she will only have knowledge of though her mother’s “DON’T GO THERE” pleas. 

I continually find that God is more and more forgiving and capable and exciting with each new hardship. 

Dear Life, BRING IT ON!